I Betray My Ancestry
Yes, it's 100% Polish. Not much German influence; plenty of Slavic.
And when you talk about ancestry, you get the jokes. Here are a few favorites from The Canonical Listing of Polish Jokes:
A Polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, pull him out of the car and draw a circle in the dirt, saying "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass."
They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling.
They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing? We just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,when he decides to pull over because he suspects that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
This Polish guy came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting, "Honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head.
His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
A Polish fellow went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see, my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
Since I got a speeding ticket driving a rented truck last Sunday, this one really hurts:
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first one looks at the second one and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
And, last but least:
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But, try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guylying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know thesewomen. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to thestore.
He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman.
"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and Istill haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You goto zee store. You buy a potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can Ido?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"
And when you talk about ancestry, you get the jokes. Here are a few favorites from The Canonical Listing of Polish Jokes:
A Polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, pull him out of the car and draw a circle in the dirt, saying "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass."
They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling.
They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing? We just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,when he decides to pull over because he suspects that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
This Polish guy came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting, "Honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head.
His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
A Polish fellow went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see, my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
Since I got a speeding ticket driving a rented truck last Sunday, this one really hurts:
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first one looks at the second one and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
And, last but least:
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But, try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guylying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know thesewomen. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to thestore.
He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman.
"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and Istill haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You goto zee store. You buy a potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can Ido?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"
posted by John Bernat @ 7:05 PM
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