Brothers and Sisters

I have three sisters and no brothers. My youngest sister lives in Ocean Springs, Mississippi, a town not far from Biloxi and New Orleans. About ten years ago or so, when we were living in Florida, my youngest sister, of whom I was really fond, came to stay at our house in Jacksonville. After she left, she told one of my other sisters about how awful her stay was, especially focused on how badly we were raising our children.

I was very hurt by this, but decided not to confront her about it. From that point on, our relations were strained and difficult from my end.

My dad died in 1995 and my mom died in 1998. In the days immediately following my mom's death, there was a huge argument among the four of us about an aspect of her funeral arrangements. It was resolved, but left some bad feelings.

Here's what happened. My youngest sister and I were "processing" the resolution of this issue and decided to walk around the block, hand in hand. She shared with me how bad I made her feel. She said that she perceived that I always judged her, and that my judgment of how she lived her life was harsh and unforgiving. This was, to my perception, the core issue between us, but it created symptoms: third-party communication and criticism going both ways. I loved my sister, and I still do. But next thing you know...

I said to her, "Is it true that in Mississippi if you get a divorce you're still brother and sister?" An old, crummy joke, but it fit. I proposed that my sister and I get a divorce. That if either one of us was ever in trouble, or ever needed anything, we'd be there for one another, but that we'd cease all contact.

This arrangement, started in 1998, persists to the present day. I have not seen my sister since then, and only talked to her once on the phone, about four years ago or so. Honestly, I miss her terribly and wish we could have some kind of relationship. But the reality was that, for a variety of reasons, we grated on one another. I resented her life choices and her outrageous, presumptuous criticism of me; she resented my judging her. Our values were very different. Our styles of not only parenting but of many other things were also quite divergent.

There are days that I regret this "deal," but mostly it's worked out for us both - even if it could be said that it was making the best of a bad situation. I always ask about her through my other sisters, am concerned about her, and acknowledge a bond which will last our whole lifetimes.

That's the nature of blood, I think. I'd lke to say I'm proud of what we did, but pride is not exactly the right label.

In the best of circumstances, I'd like siblings in toxic relationships everywhere to consider something like this: a "divorce" where there is an agreement not to communicate with each other, due to the toxicity of that communication, but where there is some exchange of mutual respect and a "safety net" of family ties.

Life is short, and somehow bringing closure to all this hurt might benefit everyone concerned. You can control the terms of your sibling relationships, believe it or not, despite all this pain.